How do you people do it? I'm acquainted with a variety of folks who write on the internet regularly. I used to do that. I stopped. I have a pile of papers with notes on them of things I've wanted to publish. Writing has been and will continue to be masterbatory for me. For others they must get their word out there as a way to keep their "chops" up to date. This writing has been like an old friend. Someone I can come back to and chat with. Since I've been catching up with friends lately this is no different. I suppose I also did this because every time I listen to Nirvana I think about Kurt. Here's this guy who was my age. Truly gifted and troubled young man. Who was part of a group that was doing something with his life. Granted he had his flaws that ultimately lead him down the wrong road to an early death but still I think about dumb shit like that. I'd love to feel accomplished at this age but I don't truly think I've done anything worth mentioning. Which is exactly why I let this fall to the wayside. A storm of elements had me stifled for words. Why write? Why Blog? I ask why a lot. It's in my educated nature to ask why, so I ask myself why. I want to give readers a reason to read. We live in this tainted age of hurried bullshit where our attention spans are just non-existent. The fact that anyone still reads floors me. I put writing on hold for a purpose. I was doing way too much at the same time and after reading my notes from a publisher I just had to walk away for several months. The memoir I wrote still exists and I can complete it at any time and put it out there. I don't want my writing to be all about me because that's too easy. It couldn't be any easier to write about myself. Everyone writes about themselves and or they write about their opinion on a given topic. That's boring we've heard that shit. This is exactly why I walked away. The feeling of hypocrisy was damaging to me. How could I sit and thumb my nose at people for doing something that I was doing on a semi-regular basis? How could I come back to writing if I felt it wasn't the right thing to do? There's no perfect answer to any of this but I've got a method to my madness. To make the most sense of it all its comparable to when a band takes time off between record cycles. We gotta live to fuel the writing we do. I said this to my wife not long ago " I don't yell often. I'm not a yeller, but when I do yell people listen. The reason is, that people who yell all the time get dismissed--because they yell all the damn time and people just think "oh thats just how they are, they yell" The dude who yells once in a rare instance gets everyone's attention. I suppose in a cool world someone would see my semi-regular postings and do something with them. At the same time at the age of 27 I just have this tunnel vision. I don't see the point in getting too worked up over a lot of issues that a lot of people are spilling their emotions into. Elections, violence, financial hardship, drugs, abortion, world violence-- none of it really kicks me in the ass. I've grown up working class and unless I create an opportunity that puts me in a high salaried job then I will continue to live working class. Which is a perfect segway for another credit in my pause for writing. Money. Anyone ever notice how people who talk a lot for a profession seem to have a few dollars and cents? People who just love to yack and yack and yack, do so because they don't have to worry about Com Ed shutting their power off. They talk because they aren't 2 months behind on Nicor. They spew their jargon because the car they drive isn't a 1991 tempo. Catch my drift yet? The reality is that where some of us can sit and sip beverages while discussing the validity of gun laws, abortion laws, or if it was a good idea to re-elect the current president, some of us have bigger fish to fry. Which is why whenever I'm asked my thoughts on most things I say " I could give a flying fuck I have bills to pay." This kind of sounds absurd as I'm told we all have bills to pay. Conversely some of us struggle more than others and the energy used to dwell on take caring of business in my home trumps the NHL lockout.
Which brings me to the NHL lockout. Again I give a resounding "Who cares?" Really your favorite hockey team hasn't been playing for 6 months and now that they're playing its the best day of your life? Let me drop this truth bomb for just a second. If 1 of my woes was a professional sport being locked out or on strike the process to remove the smile from my ass would confuse the doctors who did plastic surgery on Michael Jackson. I just can't give a fuck about things like that. I enjoy sports, but not to the point where I'm a raving loon. By the way I'm such the NHL fan that back when no one cared about the Chicago Blackhawks I used to go and pay 8 dollars for my ticket to sit up in the 300 level and have fun. Those 8 dollar tickets have skyrocketed now. Boy win a stanley cup and look what happens. No one's really said anything to me in a negative light about my attitude but then again I don't always toss it out there because I typically like to be provoked when tossing my attitude out into public.
My cynicism comes from a handful of years where I did the so called "Right thing" and I've seen minimal positive results. During the 90's the cool thing to do was encourage us young kids to go to college. I wasn't the smartest kid and my ACT score of 19 can prove it. I still went to college. I didn't go party in high school, I didn't cheat in college-- although the amount of adults who do cheat in college is astounding. Upon completing college I would seek work. What blows my mind is the amount of people specifically in the Chicago area who want you to work for free if you are a videographer or editor. People will tell you that the experience is great and thats a good enough payment. Must be nice- I'd love to tell my landlord, or the electric company that "Its the experience of having me as a customer that flies as a payment to you for your services" The reality is that's crap and I don't think any of us need to accept that. My next favorite excuse is "Oh man the economy is just bad man--" As someone who studied television and lived in Chicago, that Pill was almost easy to swallow. Then I realized even in Chicago that's the 3rd largest market in the nation for television. There are jobs its just about 1 thing. Who you know. Los Angeles is a god damn nightmare. I used to walk up and down Ventura Blvd begging for work. I spoke with a guy who worked at a gas station. I sympathized with the dude since I spent my tenure in hell working at 7-Eleven. This gas station clerk said he had a hook up for his job and he works 80 hour weeks. The icing on the cake he was still struggling to pay the bills. Fuck. Just a loud fuck is all I can say to that. If i was a gas station clerk for 80hrs a week and not makin the bills I'd be in a bad spot.
Lastly I want to say "Shame on you Employers" Employers right now are being flat out dickheads. Right now people are scared shitless about work and their futures. This isn't an absolute statement about all employers but enough of them are doing this. They're paying their employees shit. It's unacceptable to not pay people a livable wage. That should be criminal in my opinion. To expect someone to work for 8 dollars an hour in an area where the going rate for even a studio apartment is 500-600 dollars a month. I suppose what's even more disturbing is the Stockholm syndrome some folks have where they've just accepted this to be the norm. It's not the norm its detestable at best. If anything I personally would love to advocate some sort of group to keep employers in check, to raise the minimum wage and to make life a Smidge better for unemployed college grads or even hard working people who have to work 3 jobs because 8 dollars an hour just isn't fucking enough to provide for a family. My fucking god when there are assholes who get paid just stupid amounts of cash to sit in meetings and have meetings about meetings and other pointless dribble it just annoys the crap out of me.
This felt better. The reality is this may be a weekly thing. The world can't possible handle the amount of verbal lashing I'd enjoy giving on a daily basis.
